Apple pie a la Mode
by Moisie
Summary: Severus Snape as you have never seen him before! Warning:- Contains ego, purple condom, and a very distgruntled Hermione.


**Authors Notes**

**WARNING** - THE FOLLOWING EVENTS ARE A PARODY! THIS SITUATION REALLY DID HAPPEN AND ONLY THE NAMES, CONDOM COLOUR, AND DRESS SENSE HAVE BEEN MODIFIED TO PROTECT THE INDIVIDUAL MENTIONED.

IF YOUR MALE AND READING THIS...BE WARNED...PARANOIA COULD BE A SIDE AFFECT. PROCEED WITH CAUTION!

P.S I THINK SNAPE IS A SEX GOD AND HAVE ONLY SUBJECTED HIM TO THIS BECAUSE I AM FEELING PARTICULARLY MEAN!

Oh and I don't owe them sob, but Sicaria helped me play with them. She is my all time wonderful beta and nit picker!

**Apple pie a la mode**

"Oh, darling, just…." Taking her hand he attempted to guide it to his aching groin. Cool fingers teased along the inner thigh of his leg, slowly escaping back into the safe region of his stomach. Growling, Snape decided to take action….grasping her hand firmly he placed it on (what he thought) to be a rather impressive demonstration of his manhood.

Hermione slid her fingers over the bulge in his robes, finding just where the robe started and he ended. 'Where is the rest of it?' she pondered, as her hand measured and her brain calculated the results. Surely a bitty was missing?

Never slow on the uptake, Snape relished the look of wonderment that passed on his colleagues face; she obviously was as impressed with his endowments as he was, in fact he was sure a look of concern passed her features. 'She is just overwhelmed with my physique…the robes do make me look rather intimidating,'

Pulling her firmly towards him, he savoured her gasp and crushed his mouth upon her parted lips. 'Oh sweet heaven,' he thought as he dove his tongue into her warm mouth.

Hermione concentrated on the dual sensations of his taste and not trying to gag; the tangy sweetness of the tea that he sipped and the over eager tongue was just about enough to call forth her evening's dinner. Deciding to be subtle she slowly reclaimed her mouth back, trying to be as unobtrusive as possible.

Once she had freed herself from the suction that was his lips, she decided to let her mouth plot its escape down his neck and collarbone….trying not cringe as she realised that the delightful aftershave was far nicer to smell. But never being dissuaded off a set course she continued unfastening and exploring…

'Oh that is divine!' thought Snape, as Hermione reached a particular sensitive point in his neck. Caught in the moment he threw her roughly back onto the bed, drawing his wand. He decided to savour the full effect of his manliness on the woman he had wanked over for the last year… it was time to be revealed!

Took unawares Hermione stumbled backwards and smacked her head of the bed post, landing with an undignified "Pffft" on the uncomfortably soft mattress.

'The look of a woman in passion…' thought Snape smugly to himself.

Dishevelled hair, swollen lips, and a slightly dazed eyes, yes, he was the unquestionable master of seduction.

With an arrogant swish the swirling dark robes vanished from his body – leaving a pale physique, a jut of dark hair and an over ambitious sense of self. Turning to his side, he allowed Hermione to admire the full intensity of his person.

'No genital warts….no sign of lesions…colour of skin suggesting heart trouble…no yellow tinge around eye indicating hepatitis….'

Hermione systematically ran down the list of common STDs, of course a wizard's main worry was syphilis, but then one could never be too careful. Satisfied with her prognosis she decided to join him in his state of undress.

'One can never be too careful……' she justified, as she removed her robes with a flick of her wand. Being generous she decided to omit the 'Is that it? Hmm, Harry was most certainly bigger, one two….yes, and most definitely thicker.' from her notes.

'Remember, Hermione, it's what they do with it that counts….and if that fails well the bathroom is going a few steps and a silencing charm away.' She reminded herself.

'Nipples! Nipples! Nipples!' thought Snape with a rush of desire, he was going to get to play with those nipples, he was going to get to 'tweak' those nipples!

'Overwhelmed,' thought Snape smugly to himself. Revelling in the unabashed attention that Hermione was paying his groin. Of course she would have never seen such a spectacle….in such vast proportions.

With the unveiling of her rather unremarkable nipples, Snape plunged his mouth upon the unsuspecting areola.

Cringing in pain Hermione tried to back away, but Snape being absorbed in his attentions didn't seem to notice. Trying to loosen the extent of the suction she ran her fingers into his hair, and when that failed she gave it a sharp tug.

Snape lifted lazy eyes adoringly up to her face…continuing to flick his free hand over her un-abused nipple (which was becoming increasingly irritated). Deciding he needed some guidance Hermione circled her hand around him and slowly began to work the skin, small white drops of pre cum started to appear as Snape rolled back his eyes and groaned.

'Please do not say that is it,' Hermione thought as she slowed her hand, gently kissing his collar bone as she ceased in the teasing motion. 'I fancy at least a half stuffing before I pull out Mr B.'

Snape planted sloppy kisses along Hermione's face…leaving a nice blob of drool on each area, deciding to treat her to the mastery of his fingers he slid his hand down between her legs.

'Finally!' thought Hermione has she willing parted herself. She had watched those hands perform the most complex of wand movements and the most intricate of potions. Surely the pleasure she was in for would make up the drool, terrible kissing, and lump that was throbbing in the back of her head.

'Give it to her hard!' thought Snape as he plunged his fingers in quick. Forget clitoral action, kissing or finger play to drive her to the brink of insanity. Just frequent sharp thrusting motions that would have left any butcher proud.

'Oh god he thinks I am a frigging turkey!' thought Hermione in despair, if he keeps this up like this Pomfrey would be asking some odd questions!

'Circe's Clitoris!' sighed Hermione, taking his hand she attempted to show him the delicate art of finger play, but again Snape seemed to be more on the brink of his own orgasam rather than concentrating on the delicate organ which he was currently beating to death.

"You're a lot more sensitive than the others you know," complained Snape as Hermione tried for the fifth time to show him how to touch her.

'That's because I am not dead below the navel you bloody moron!' thought Hermione angrily.

Having enough Hermione flicked her wand, and a bright purple condom sheathed Snape from tip to ball. 'Thank the gods I can measure,' Grasping his arms she pulled him fully on top of her and eyed him hungrily.

She parted herself invitingly, running her hands along his neck and back…legs cradling his hips …moist lips teasing the peak of the purple appendage.

Snape tried to aim himself….without his hand; hoping that the sheer concentration of his brow would make it magically jump in.

Hermione being at the end of her patience, grasped his willy and put it in herself. 'Ohhh now that is more like it…" she thought as she began to grind her hips into the short but not overtly skinny organ.

'One….Two….Thr…Oh My Fucking God, you have to be kidding me!' despaired Hermione.

No, this could not be happening…he was going soft! Rolling her eyes she waited for Snape to realise that he was not the master of passion and Willy control.

But still he continued to thrust dramatically and make grunting noises…

'What the Fuck? Does he not think I am going to notice?' pondered Hermione. The now flaccid penis was flapping lifelessly between her thighs, and she had given up the pretence of keeping the flow.

Having had enough she tapped Snape cautiously on the shoulder…'hmm, now how do I get out of a embarrassing situation like this?'

'Just keep pumping…' thought Snape 'happens all the time…merely a glitch…she will never notice…Gods she looks like she loves this.'

"Excuse me…Severus… Ahem…you're flaccid!" said Hermione as gently as possible, stroking and soothing his hair.

"In the morning I am going to BANG, BANG you!" replied Snape smoothly, the sentence was reinforced with sharp pelvic motions to her right thigh.

'Oh sweet Merlin! He is humping my leg!' thought Hermione.'

Having had enough, she threw her head back and burst out laughing…this was just too much. To have your leg vocally humped by your fearsome Potions Master was enough to tip her over into oblivion, tears ran down her face as she lost all sense of composure.

'She is ecstatic…" thought Snape smugly, sliding down to get comfortable next to her.

A master of seduction …'I always knew I had it in me….'

THE END??

**Authors Notes**

Well if you want to know what happens the morning after you are going to have to review.

MAHAHAHAHA!

Thanks to Eloisa and Becky…who are just smexys!


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